I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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