Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
