I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
