i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
