You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
