Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
