you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
