i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
