btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
