when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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