Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
