Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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