I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
