People in love make me want to vomit
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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