mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
