im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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