I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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