the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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