You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
