...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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