Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Sorry about my life...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
