1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
