season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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