Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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