what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
