when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
