I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
