he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
