Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
