How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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