she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
