how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Is Oprah even human
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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