I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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