I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
