just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
