How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
