Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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