sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
