I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
