just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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