I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
