Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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