my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
