I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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