there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
