well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
