Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
