I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
