we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
