Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
how drunk are you?
Several
I forgot wine drunk hurts
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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