Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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