Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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