I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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