capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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