When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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