You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
