Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
