Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
