He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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