my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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