How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
