My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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