you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
