i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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