Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
