You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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