I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
