Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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