I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
